


Heart of a Hero

by CapsuleCorp



Category: Suikoden IV
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 13:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3979366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapsuleCorp/pseuds/CapsuleCorp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The diary-like ramblings of Lazlo about the people he loves, especially Snowe, interspersed with a little dramatic action and dialogue. Roughly follows progression of the game but no spoilers for the ending or Tactics. Originally finished/posted in 2007.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart of a Hero

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote in first-person so as to avoid using the Hero’s name, even in dialogue – even though his name is Lazlo, first-person allows the reader to think of him by whatever name I or you or anyone else has named him while gaming.

Snowe was my first love. True, we were both young and naïve and didn’t know that first loves are never last loves, but at the time, I believed that I could never love another and expected that I would never have to.

I can still remember the first time we kissed; it was after training had started, after we were out of the Vingerhut estate and out from under too-watchful eyes. You would think the barracks in the Hall of Knights would have been even more strict with guardians around every corner keeping trainees and knights from fraternizing or sneaking out at night or anything counterproductive to training, but no. There were many lovely hidden corridors and secret alcoves in the fortress into which anyone could retreat to steal a kiss. Perhaps we were lucky, in that two young men going for a walk together did not raise eyebrows in the same way as men and women paired together. Particularly Snowe and I, as everyone knew we had grown up together and considered each other the best of friends. They did not know any different.

It was a cool night, pleasant, with the excitement of a festival in the air. The knights one year ahead of us in training were graduating, and all of Razril was celebrating. Being trainees still, we had a curfew, and came back into the Hall well ahead of everybody else. It was there my adolescent feelings spilled out of me, and I took advantage of the privacy of an upper parapet to confess to Snowe what I had felt for him for many years. I had no right to love him, as he had all the privilege and power and I was a commoner beside him, raised in his shadow like a servant. But he took me in his arms and whispered to me that he loved me, that he, too, was afraid that the difference in our status was a rift not even love could overcome. I saw in his eyes that he was as young and shy as I, that the same innocent love beating in my heart lived in his. We kissed with the stars shining down on us and a cool sea breeze ruffling our hair, hesitant and bashful and giddy with the thrill of testing out new boundaries and feelings. 

After that, training to become a knight was a singular joy. Every day was spent with Snowe, striving to make myself worthy of being mentioned in the same breath with him, hoping to match him in strength and skill so that someday when he became commander of the Razril outpost, I might be a powerful enough fighter to stand as his vice-commander. We even developed a team attack, which utilized the best of both our skills to work in tandem. But our relationship had to be hidden, not only because it could distract us from our valuable training, but because there were a million reasons for Commander Glen to disapprove and separate us. We were in the same class, but Snowe was in many ways my superior, and superiors were never permitted to fraternize with inferiors. Worse, we both knew all too well how his father would react if he found out. I could be banished, having no family or home outside of the generosity the Vingerhut family had shown me, or Snowe could be sent away to Gaien to train instead. Many a night we hid in an alcove near the top tower of the Hall, whispering these worries to each other and vowing never to let anything separate us. There, we could kiss and hold each other and pretend the rest of the world did not exist. He worried so, about me, about the future, and often it was my place to stroke his blond hair and tell him I would not let anything happen to him, to us, even though I had nothing to offer him. Somehow, those empty promises were exactly what he needed.

It was not long after that I surrendered myself to him. Such a blessing, to have a private room even though I was a mere trainee! Granted, it was right next door to the kitchen, so we had to choose our time for visits carefully, but it was a room alone where Snowe could come to see me and never be suspected of corrupting me with his breathtaking beauty. The first few times, we only sat awake long into the night and talked, sitting together on my bed. I worried about Snowe, but he had gotten astonishingly clever with his tales to play everyone off each other. He told his father he preferred to stay at the Hall with the other trainees as befitting his station, while he told the commander his father insisted he visit home and occasionally stay the night. While no one ever saw him leave the Hall of Knights, everyone thought he was staying at home if not in his usual room in the Hall. Thus, when our hunger for each other grew too strong to resist, we already had a safe haven in which to sate it. As in everything else in my life, I deferred to Snowe, allowing him to lead, to choose, to guide and seduce and in the end to take me. He was no more experienced than I, but the more I surrendered to him, the more he took control, and taught himself rather quickly how to dominate and top. Not that I wanted anything different; having him inside me, taking me, was the most magnificent feeling in the world, and I begged him to have me, to put me under his control and claim me as his. I gave myself to him and he took freely, with eyes softened by love and lips that always whispered how much he needed me and cared for me. It may have left me exhausted in the morning, but I cherished those nights more than anything in our final year of training. Often I would be in bed, half-asleep, when I heard the door creak open and soft steps steal into my room in the middle of the night. Snowe always came late after everyone in the Hall was in bed, and left before anyone could catch him sneaking out of my room in the morning, but the time in between was ours and we guarded it jealously against the prying eyes of the world.

I loved Snowe with all my heart, as only a young man whose first kiss, first touch, first desire, and first love came at this man’s hands could. I do not doubt now that he loved me in turn, perhaps just as deeply, but the circumstances which drove us apart were such that no love could have overcome. One minute we were sneaking kisses in a shadowed alcove near the tower, the next he grew distant from me, pushing me away, losing his faith in me after a single battle. I did not mean to usurp his place, but he showed me a side of him I had never, in all our days and nights at each other’s side or in each other’s arms, seen before. Love had blinded me to his faults, I was unable to see that he was a coward and could so easily forget all of his training and honor when a real pirate ship began to blast us. Cutting through packs of sea creatures on short voyages to and from Middleport was no real test for him, only when attacked by other human beings did Snowe reveal his biggest fault. Not that I was blameless; I should have gone to him, reassured him, encouraged him and told him I still believed in him even if Commander Glen did not. And I did. I knew Snowe still had it in him to be great, if he could just throw away his pride and submit to re-learning how to work with the rest of his team. I never took his glory, it was taken from him by others and thrust upon me against my will. In the space of mere days I lost him. Why did he come to the tower? Was he also concerned about Commander Glen? Was he seeing one more chance to redeem himself? Or was it mere foolishness and chance that allowed him to walk in and mistake the horror of that scene for a crime? I don’t know which hurt more – to have watched the commander die before my eyes, unable to help him, or to have Snowe look at me with such revulsion and terror. The man I had loved was gone. Katarina thought I was sad to have to leave Razril, but inside, I was perhaps relieved. Death would have been a better sentence than to have remained in Razril with my lover turned into my enemy and glaring at me with hatred and fear every time I saw him. He didn’t even say farewell. To think that Snowe had changed so much, in such a short time, shattered me more than the commander’s death or the banishment. Being set adrift in the lonely sea was no punishment in comparison to having to live with that feeling deep in my heart.

  


I still thought about him. Months passed, and my station changed considerably, to one I never would have been able to imagine in my wildest dreams. As more was asked of me, and more responsibility placed in my hands, I grew to feel many new things that took the place of the depression and self-loathing that plagued me after exile. With the Rune of Punishment etched permanently onto my hand and my soul, eating away at my life little by little, I thought that I would never love again. It was a feeling I could never regain, if for no other reason than to spare someone else the pain of having to watch me die. Many counseled me to embrace the help of my friends, to seek trust and solace in those who cared about me, and I was truly grateful for them and their kindness. For Tal and Jewel to give up their esteemed knighthood in order to support me and submit to exile alongside me meant they cared. Yet, no matter how amazing it was to see people treating me with respect, with deference, to have them smile at me and ask my advice and subsequently take it, to consult me and consider me intelligent and brave and worthy of commanding the rag-tag collection of refugees and resistance fighters, it never completely filled the void left in my heart by the loss of my first love. 

For many of the others, joining me wasn’t so much a desire as it was a need, a duty, or an opportunity, but many of them became friends nonetheless. Among them, I found plenty who would eagerly cater to my body’s needs for one reason or another, and I would be remiss if I did not confess that I took advantage of a few offers. It was very hard to be on a ship with so many beautiful men, some older, a few younger or the same age, all willing to pledge their loyalty to me and work beside me. At first everything was so chaotic, I spent so much time strengthening my abilities and fighting against the Rune, proving myself to King Reno and earning the respect of citizens and pirates alike. There wasn’t time to be lonely, or to curse myself for my weaknesses. Though, there were a few nights when I would lay in my bed in my dark, silent room and think of Snowe, mostly when I was weary and downhearted or bored and uncertain of what the next day would bring. I admit to even shedding a few tears, missing him. But I never spoke of him, or gave thought to him outside of my darkest, loneliest nights. There were more important things to focus on. Once aboard the ship as its captain and on the crazy journey seeking those willing to join us to fight against the greater enemy, things changed. I had more time to myself, to think and remember, more time to regret and feel the great ache left in my heart and my body by my love’s betrayal. That was when they started coming to me, and I started to wonder about letting them come in, to my room or to my heart.

Some only wanted to pleasure me, thinking that by doing so, they could gain favor with me. Hervey was like that, a brash and cocky young man with a likeable face. I knew the moment he propositioned me that he thought I was like Lady Kika – beautiful and dangerous and prone to giving favors to underlings who pleased me. Perhaps now that he was under my command rather than hers, he was simply doing as he thought best, going to the captain and offering sexual favors in trade for a good position on the crew or in my landing parties. Perhaps that was how it worked among pirates. But I had no intention of playing favorites like that, even if he was beautiful and very good with his lips. He got a little upset after his advances brought him no special treatment, but Kika demanded he obey me nonetheless, and he earned his way onto raiding parties with his sword skill instead. Others were merely taken by the rumor of my power, having heard of me and likely thinking I was something much greater than I am. They came to me seeking to be a part of something, and would have surrendered their bodies to me in the same way young women swoon after knights of great notoriety. But their advances were too strong and I pushed them away, not wishing to give in to anything so foolish and pointless. Yet, the more time went on, and the more beautiful, graceful, powerful men began to gather under my flag, the more I yearned for someone to have and hold, to enjoy in my bed as well as at my side on deck. I wanted someone to care about, someone to love, even if the Rune existed in opposition to such a desire. At the very least, I wanted to quiet my body’s restlessness by sharing even a single night with someone to whom I could feel close, even briefly. And, I guessed by my completely ambivalent reaction to Rune Master Jeane, it was the company of another man I sought. Snowe wasn’t just my first, he was the proof of what I was. There were some very nice, lovely women on board, both gentle and demure healers and powerful, spunky warriors, amazing wielders of rune magic and kind women dedicated to seeing to the needs of everyone on board from captain to page. But I didn’t desire a single one, and turning down those who came to me with dewy eyes wanting to express attraction or offer to warm my bed on occasion was as easy as breathing. I was simply not interested, and did not have to feign a smile nor the ease with which I had to say no. When it came to the men, however, things were not so easy.

While many of the men aboard our ship were beautiful, or handsome, with many qualities that made me notice them either at the moment of our meeting or some time later when speaking to them and seeing what they were capable of, I had to be careful. As the captain, I was now in the position Snowe had been in when we first became lovers, a precarious one to be sure. It could be seen as inappropriate for me to be involved with any of the crew members, male or female. More importantly, I could never be sure upon meeting a new recruit whether he would be open to any advances. Relationships of that type were not rare in our world, but because of old stigmas and family pressures, to say nothing of disapproving authorities, it was usually kept a secret. Therefore, it was never certain whether the men around me were keeping it to themselves out of fear of retribution, or they simply were not that kind of man. Because of my age and inexperience, I never made advances, and did not trust my intuition. Not about that kind of thing. I may have been the captain of a large ship and temporary holder of the seat of power of Obel, but I still saw myself as a youth, unworthy of the attentions being thrust on me and shy in the face of potential friends, allies, and lovers. Still, I couldn’t help the thoughts that occasionally fluttered through my head, seeing some of my comrades for the first time either on a lonely street in a forsaken town, or on the deck of another ship, wherever we picked them up. Though I was doing my duty and listening to their plights, perhaps sizing them up for what benefit they might be to our crew, once in a while I found myself also noticing lovely eyes or a fine, bold stance, powerful shoulders or strong, skilled hands, and wondering if that man might be interested in someone like me. Some, it was obvious, weren’t. Ornan, though a strong fighter with kind eyes, told me the day I met him that he was searching for a woman. Reinbach, though a ponce, never struck me as the type – his personality seemed staged, a façade, hiding his real abilities and his heart. Akaghi kept Mizuki’s company, I never interfered regardless of whether they were merely comrades or more. Fortunately, most of the men who I guessed were not hiding secret desires were also not my type, a little too big or rough or old or homely. It was the beautiful men who drew my attention, slender and fair with youthful faces and pretty eyes. Around them, I had to guard myself, lest my yearnings get the better of me and play me for a fool in front of the whole crew. Instead, I quietly bided my time and waited for them to come to me, if that was what they wanted. But the physical advances did nothing to quell the ache in my heart, as I waited and watched for someone I could love.

The first one to whom I truly felt drawn was Sigurd. The first moment my eyes fell on his tall, lean figure, I thought to myself, here was a breathtaking man of noble stature who didn’t seem to fit the type of a pirate. When I sat and spoke with Kika, he showed himself to be intelligent and sharp as well, no mere brainless sidekick to the pirate queen. In the middle of that room of raucous, roughshod pirates, he sat tall like a pillar of calm and wisdom among the chaos. But I kept those thoughts to myself, and did my best to judge him solely on his skill in battle and his decision-making abilities. He was powerful, swift, and never hesitated when I called on him to aid me. His choice to carry a water rune showed me he also had a kinder side, the heart of a healer. He made a good addition to my crew, and my personal team for embarking on challenges I didn’t want to leave in the hands of less experienced fighters. Perhaps, then, I shouldn’t have been so surprised to find myself drawn to his presence, subconsciously responding with praise when he pulled off some spectacular move in battle or gifting him with rune pieces for his blades. Sigurd always gave me a gentle smile in return, hardly bothered at all that I had taken him out from under Kika’s command and quietly integrated him into my party. He seemed to belong, and fought well alongside Tal. For a while I hesitated, afraid, uncertain, unwilling to risk what had become a valuable partnership just to indulge my wish for a companion. But the more we fought beside each other, and the more I kept testing and rejecting other partners who could only give me some bodily comfort for a night – if that – the more I built up the courage to approach Sigurd.

It was a quiet night on the sea, our ship at anchor off the coast of the deserted island where I had been shipwrecked once upon a time. We had just picked up another lost soul and one of Lilin’s sisters, and on my order, dropped anchor to wait until morning and the promise of a more favorable breeze in our sails. At the moment it was dead calm, so peaceful, with no moon overhead, just the stars by which we piloted our course. After attending to errands down in the galleon’s hold, I decided I needed some air and came up to the deck. With so many people aboard now, it was getting difficult to have a moment’s peace even in my private captain’s quarters. Some of the women had appropriated a corner on the first deck as their gossip station! I passed them by and went up to the bridge, giving the crew a cursory once-over, and then stepped out onto the broad deck of the ship. Peace at last, and the starry sky to enchant me. I walked the length of the ship alone, finding my thoughts turning melancholy with memory. It was a calm night just like this with fireworks bursting overhead, when Snowe and I were together for the last time. We blunted our swords on some pirate thugs, and then crawled back to the Knight’s Hall late. He sent me on ahead alone, so as not to arouse suspicions, but came to me in the dead of night, sneaking into my room like usual and slipping into bed with me, to hold me and kiss me and whisper that we were both knights now, of the same rank, we didn’t have to be afraid of being punished for superior-inferior entanglements. Such memories were no fun to dwell on, but I couldn’t push them away as I walked under the stars and heard the lap of the becalmed ocean against our hull, and the waves breaking on the beach some distance away. It was then I glanced and noticed a shadowy figure standing on the very tip of the bow, gazing either up at the stars or down at the darkened sea. As I drew nearer, I saw by the lamplight that it was Sigurd, hands clasped behind his back. It was impossible to muffle my boots on the decking, so he heard me coming and glanced back to see who it was, his dark eyes gleaming with the same shade of melancholy I felt in my heart. Yet, recognition caused a light to flicker in their depths, and his lips curved with a soft smile. “Can’t sleep either?” he said as casually as he could.

“It’s too noisy below,” I sighed, looking away to the sea beyond. “I thought I would come up for some peace and quiet.” 

“Yes, it’s beautiful out here tonight,” Sigurd murmured, turning his attention back to the horizon. “Almost feels like our troubles are another world away.”

There was something in his voice that drew me to him, something that made my heart ache. I refrained from being too forward, and only went to lean on the railing an arm’s-length away from him. “Indeed, it does,” I said, keeping my voice lowered. Not that there was anyone on deck to overhear – Nico was at the far stern and not likely to even see us in the darkness. I turned my face the same direction Sigurd was absently gazing, though there was nothing out there to see but the faint line where the black sky met the blacker ocean. I took a deep breath of the salty air and let it out slowly. “I wish I were as skilled at reading the weather as some of you pirates,” I told him, trying to be casual. “Able to sense the change in the wind with just a sniff of the air. It makes me envious, sometimes.”

Sigurd laughed his gentle laugh. “It’s not a skill that can be learned, I think. Though I have had a lot of experience on ships. I suppose.” He turned his face my way and gave me another smile. “That’s why you have us on your crew.” 

“It would be boring if the captain was skilled in everything,” I admitted. It was such a stupid thing to say, but Sigurd still chuckled at it. Hearing his soft laughter seared my heart in my chest, robbing me of the courage to go any further. I looked up at the sky instead, tracing the constellations as I remembered them…as I had been taught them from the parapet of the Hall of Knights, as Snowe stood behind me and drew them with his finger…

“Is something the matter?” Sigurd’s voice snapped me out of my reverie. I looked at him to find him gazing at me with his brow furrowed in friendly concern. “Forgive me,” he quickly added, perhaps because I looked so startled. “I didn’t mean to pry. You just looked so…sad, all of a sudden.”

I shook my head. “It’s all right. There are…many things on my mind.”

“I know the feeling.” Sigurd turned away from the ocean and leaned on the railing, half-sitting against it. “Quiet times are the best and the worst for reflection.” He looked at me again, and for some reason I found his keen scrutiny uncomfortable. There was a kindness in his eyes that both frightened and attracted me, which extended to his voice as he spoke. “Does it have to do with…the Rune?”

I glanced down at my left hand; thankfully, my gloves usually kept the runes on my hands covered so I wouldn’t have to think about the darker one. “No, not so much,” I answered him truthfully. “Most days I don’t even think about it. It only bothers me when we enter a battle that doesn’t go so smoothly, and I have to consider using it.”

“Which hasn’t been lately,” Sigurd said. He would know – he had been fighting beside me every day for some weeks, now. “I’m sorry, it really isn’t my business to pry. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t need to answer me.”

“It’s okay.” I found myself lifting my head and smiling at him. “Such things aren’t a taboo topic among friends.” Another rush of sentiment that made my heart twinge. I decided not to ignore it. “I’m glad you asked. It’s nice…to know someone cares.”

Sigurd tilted his head in a curious and friendly manner. “We’ve been fighting beside each other for so long,” he noted, “it would be hard for me not to care. Sometimes, you just have this faraway look in your eyes, and it pains me to think that no one here on the ship can even begin to understand what you must be going through. We can say we’re your friends and we care, but there’s only so much we can do.”

“Thank you, Sigurd.” I smiled generously at him. “Believe it or not…it’s more than enough. While I may be alone in carrying the burden, having even a single person care about what happens to me is like a spell of healing. It soothes my heart.” I tried to laugh that off. “Listen to me, trying to be deep.”

“It’s all right.” He was still smiling. “You hardly ever say anything, but I can always tell, there’s something just beneath the surface, something deep. I can see it in your eyes.” He suddenly laughed as well and looked studiously away, down at his feet. “There I go, being forward again.”

I couldn’t be sure, I could only guess based on his body language, but there was a glimmer of hope there. I decided to chance it, choosing my words and manner carefully so as not to frighten him off. “So,” I said lightly, “you’ve been looking in my eyes.”

I watched Sigurd carefully, heartened to see that instead of looking horrified and making an excuse, he only kept his gaze lowered and smiled shyly. “I can’t help it,” he said in a very soft tone, with a touch of a chuckle. “They’re so very blue, like the ocean.”

That made me gasp. It was so unexpected, and made me instantly question whether I had been hesitating all this time for no reason. “Sigurd,” I tried to say.

“No, forget I said that,” he quickly interrupted, straightening up from the railing. “I didn’t mean to be so bold. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He made to shoulder past me and flee, but I held up a hand to stop him. “Wait, please,” I begged him. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable. Sigurd…” He was close enough to touch, so I laid a hand on his arm, hoping he wouldn’t pull back from me. “It’s all right. I’m not offended. In fact…” Now I looked away, my hesitations returning. I tried to tell myself not to shrink back from the flame of hope he was extending to me, but it was hard, after being burned before. “I liked what you said,” I told him awkwardly. “It was…sweet. It’s been so long since anyone has spoken to me like that.”

I released him, but Sigurd did not go. He turned toward me, and I became suddenly conscious of how much taller he was than me. His eyes regained that shade of melancholy I had seen in them upon first crossing paths that night. “So, perhaps I was right,” he said, very quietly. “I thought to myself that the sadness behind your eyes was loneliness. But I thought it stemmed from the Rune, from being alone in your struggle. I didn’t think it was…regular old loneliness.” I noticed his hands twitch, then, as if wanting to reach out to me but restraining themselves at the last second. Even in the shadows hiding us from view, I could see the faint outline of the water rune etched on the back of his right hand. “If you don’t mind my asking,” he added, “have you…”

I chose in that instant, when he took a breath, to tell him everything. Or at least as much as I could without reopening any wounds. “I loved someone very much, but I lost him,” I said before he could finish his question. “He’s not dead, but…I don’t know if I can ever go back to him. As much as I want to blame the Rune for driving us apart, the truth was, we were young and fell too deeply in love to get out without hurting each other. What am I saying?” I laughed darkly. “Too young…it wasn’t all that long ago. I’m no older now than I was when he betrayed me.”

Sigurd made a soft noise of pain and empathy. “Age isn’t so much the days in the year as it is experience,” he said wisely, and finally did as my heart was pleading for him to do, and raised his hand to touch my face. It had been so long since such a simple action made my heart ache so longingly, it took my breath away. No one else on the ship made me feel this way. Sigurd continued in a murmur as if not noticing my reaction to his touch. “You’ve been through a lot, I imagine you must have changed quite a bit since then. Tal said you’ve always been quiet but…he seems to think you’ve grown a lot in a short time.”

He took his hand away, and it was all I could do not to beg him to keep touching me. “Tal would know,” I admitted in a soft voice. “He and Jewel are the only ones who knew me then…who know both of us…”

I heard his step on the deck, and lifted my head to find him closer to me, looking down at me in such a tender way. “You don’t have to say any more,” he said calmly. “I can see that it hurts to think of it. Best to leave the past in the past where it belongs.”

“Sigurd…” Oh, to be able to give myself to him in the way I had to Snowe. But the wounds were not as healed as I thought, I knew I could not abandon myself and rush headlong into love again. Not when there was always a chance we might not come back alive from the next battle. But…I did not want to push him away. I should have, it would have been the sensible thing, but I just could not. I gingerly took his hand in mine and closed my eyes. “You are so kind. How did a man like you ever become a pirate?”

Sigurd laughed warmly. “Pirates aren’t automatically ruffians,” he replied. “Sure, a lot of them are, but not all. I have my reasons,” he added, more soberly. “But it hasn’t made me a bad man. Besides…hanging out with you has brought out my noble side.”

I noticed that he did not try to disengage my hand. “Would you be offended if I told you, the first time I saw you, on the deck of Kika’s ship, I thought you were handsome?” I asked timidly.

I looked up to find him smiling again, in that same kind way. “There isn’t a man alive who isn’t flattered when someone tells him he’s handsome,” he said wryly. “Especially, when that someone is just as handsome in his own right.” He chuckled, again. “I remember thinking, ‘what is such a pretty boy doing hanging around with the King of Obel?’ I knew you weren’t his son or his guard, it made me curious.”

I felt my face grow hot. It was hard to speak. “You…think I’m…”

He freed his hand from mine at last, only to grace my cheek with his touch again. Again, it made my entire body shiver like never before. “Well, yeah. But…it isn’t my place to make advances. After all, you’re my captain.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I don’t want to be your captain, at least right now. I don’t want to be anything, I just want…” Afraid that I was going to lose my confidence again, I acted without thinking. I seized him and lunged up to kiss him, amazed to find that he was almost expecting it. Now that I had made the advance, he was free to reciprocate, and he did, placing his hands on my arms and holding me in place for a long, deep, sensuous kiss. It was a new kind of kiss, neither full of the momentary passion of the one-night stands I had indulged in among the crew, nor tense with the eagerness and youthful fumblings of a first love. It was practiced, patient, and mature. I had never asked Sigurd his age, but I guessed he was almost thirty, if not older. He must have had considerable experience. But it wasn’t experience I was impressed with now, it was emotion. When he kissed me, it meant something. That was more than any other crewmate could offer me, and I decided that night to accept it.

By that time it was late enough that the first deck was deserted, and I could take Sigurd back to my quarters with me without anyone noticing. I did not give myself to him that first night, but we stayed together a long time, kissing and touching and sitting together on my bed. In my time as captain, I had grown to accept authority, and it gave me the right when carrying on a little fling with someone in the crew to lead the way, to make demands and choose to be the one on top. But that night, as I rested in Sigurd’s arms and laid my head on his shoulder, I felt for the first time in a long time that I could let go, that he could be in control and I could freely acquiesce. Whether it was his maturity or his height, I don’t know, but it felt right to submit to him, to hide in his embrace and not be captain anymore. Captains had to be obeyed; I didn’t want him to obey me. I wanted him to take care of me. And he did, caring for my heart that first night, and eventually, for my body as well. When I begged him to make love to me, he eagerly obliged, taking his time and treating me to the most splendid things my body had ever enjoyed. He was the first in so long to hold me afterward, to kiss me softly and stay with me through the night. We never openly proclaimed our relationship to the crew, but we didn’t hide it, either. Not that it was anything grand; Sigurd was, to me, a precious friend and swordbrother, as well as a tender lover, but he could not take Snowe’s place and never tried to. He seemed to know that my wounds were too deep for him to heal on his own, not unless this war were to end and he could be granted a lifetime to try. But for now, as long as we criss-crossed the southern seas on our mission to build the united force to resist Kooluk, Sigurd could fight beside me as a trusted comrade by day and shower me with affection and kindness by night. Some days, when all we did from dawn to dusk was sail on our way to the next port and fend off hordes of sea creatures, I would crawl into my quarters weary and battle-damaged, only to find him knocking and asking to come in and attend to me. We had a perfectly good doctor on board, Yu was skilled and ready and tended our hurts after every fight, but those minor cuts and scrapes from ferocious, hungry beasts were nothing I felt like bothering him about. Yet, Sigurd would come in and sit with me, tend my scrapes himself and cast a healing spell over me, so I could rest comfortably and we could perhaps lie together even without making love. For a time, he banished my loneliness, and for that I will send up a prayer of thanks every day for the rest of my short life.

  


Unfortunately, the instability of our situation meant that even good things like Sigurd’s relationship with me could not last. After we brought Keen aboard, even though I paid him off so he wouldn’t kill Sigurd, my lover began to grow distant. Sigurd never told me what he had done to earn a death sentence and a price on his head, and out of deference to his feelings I didn’t ask, but I suspect it may have been what made him so introspective, thoughtful, and kind toward me in the first place. Rather than push him to tell me, I let him have his secrets, understanding that I could not heal his past any more than he could mine. We spoke of the connection between us only once after Keen came aboard, and agreed that while we still cared much for each other, neither of us would be angry, jealous, or upset if there were lapses in time between encounters, or other men in our respective beds. Yet, while I began to seek solace in the physical attentions of the beautiful young men who kept coming aboard our ship, I had a feeling that Sigurd never entertained a one. Except maybe Hervey – those two had some past flings, I guessed, before joining us, and would have found it easy to pass the time with each other for lack of better options.

And there were some beautiful men with us now, make no mistake. Beautiful in face and in mind, with new skill sets and the eagerness to prove themselves in battle. It was difficult to choose landing parties, because my heart wanted to keep my team together, since we were all so strong now and worked well together. Yet, some of the newcomers needed to get out and strengthen themselves the only way they could, by getting into scrapes and defeating minor enemies. At least, doing so allowed me to get a read on them, to know how they fought and how they worked with others, as well as their personalities and demeanor. They had never stopped propositioning me this entire time, but when Sigurd and I were together, I found it more appropriate to say no. Once he began to grow apart from me, I allowed myself the occasional yes, out of desperation perhaps. Some were surprisingly good in bed. Axel taught me some amazing new things I didn’t think a body could do. Aldo was sweet but eager, and played the shy type even though he liked to pleasure me. Tristan came on to me in the bath, when he had been sent in to find “healing” and found me there alone. Then, Ted came aboard, and I was presented with a new puzzle. Someone young (in appearance), kind, gentle-hearted, beautiful, and wholly of a mind to never let anyone get close to him for any reason. He would not even extend friendship, preferring to stay in his quarters below decks when not on a landing party with me. I valued his skill, for he was already eons ahead of nearly everyone on the ship except me and a scant handful of others, and I selfishly valued his Sacred Rune. I thought that if I took him out to fight alongside me, I could kindle a friendship, since he provided me something no one else in the world could: a kindred soul going through the same thing I was. But something about it made him skittish and unwilling, and the moment we returned to the ship, he would disappear into his quarters and no amount of kindness on my part could coax him into friendship. After a while, I gave up trying. At least he still wanted to fight, and would be there if I needed him and his Rune.

And then…I saw Snowe.

  


Actually, I saw Snowe twice – once, as a puffed-up captain of an anti-pirate task force, and again as a pirate himself. Both changes wrought by encounters with me. I was shocked to discover how far my first love had fallen, but the first time, all I had to do was look into his sullen eyes and I knew that I had never stopped loving him. Sigurd and I were still seeing each other at that time, and he was extremely interested to find out (that night, after Snowe was gone) that he was my first love, my bane and my loss. Yet, it was the second time, finding Snowe to have turned to piracy to stay alive, that shattered me more. Both times I offered to let him join us, both from a practical standpoint and from some subconscious desire to have him at my side again. Perhaps some part of me dreamed that he would come back to me, and foolishly thought that all I had to do was ask him to join me and he would leap at the chance, fall into my arms, and things would be like they were before. Both times, he rejected me, the second time more vehemently than the first. And that time, I didn’t have Sigurd to turn to, for he was wrapped up in a darkness of his own. After setting Snowe adrift a second time, hearing his harsh words for me and seeing the pain in his eyes, I went to my quarters and did something I hadn’t done since my days on Obel – I cried myself to sleep. I had never felt the loss so keenly, or the loneliness that had come back to mark my life. I thought of going to Sigurd, but I knew him well enough to know what he would say and do, and knew he could not comfort me now. Nobody could, not even the stupidest fling with a coy and willing crewmate, so I shut them all out and wallowed in my loneliness and self-pity for a night. Thankfully, none of them came looking for me, either for official duties or out of friendly concern. All of my old mates from knighthood training were with me now, but even Tal and Keneth were kind enough to leave me alone.

I had thought that I was over Snowe, or at least had put him behind me well enough to carry on and live my own life as I saw fit. And when we crossed paths, he could see that I had moved on, that I was different now and what we had was an entire lifetime ago. Yet, seeing him again reopened every wound, and I knew that as much as I had deluded myself into thinking I had gotten over him, I hadn’t. I still loved him, and wanted him to join me not because he was a strong fighter or rune user or tactician, but because he was Snowe. I could see just by looking at him that he was going through some tough times, and was hurting as much as I was. All I wanted to do was run to him and throw my arms around him, to hold him to me and stoke his hair just like I had done back in our training days, to whisper the same assurances to him that I wouldn’t let the worst happen to him. Perhaps then my promises had been empty, but I had the strength and will to back them up now. But I knew he didn’t want me, he was still afraid of me and perhaps hated me, and would have rather died on the open sea than join me. That hurt, and to be rejected twice was the worst of all. I still could not let him go, and perhaps now more than before dwelled on his rejection and thought about him every single day, sending up a prayer to the sea gods to protect him and bring him to a ship or an island where he could live safely. The first time, I told myself that I needed to put it past me and concentrate my energies and efforts on recruiting, on our plans to rescue the smaller islands and liberate Razril and retake Obel. It was a noble lie. The second time, I subscribed to no such thing. I decided that if I wanted to silently brood about Snowe and wish I could have him near me, I was allowed to do so. I didn’t let my thoughts affect my day-to-day duty and activities, particularly not my fighting, but I still thought them, kept them and allowed them to dictate my mood. I conducted myself no differently than before, whether it was speaking to island chiefs or handling the nuanced needs of my crew, but I noticed that I was becoming less inclined to socialize and quicker to attack enemies rather than size them up and let them flee if they were no match for my party. Noticing, however, did not make me more apt to care. I managed to check myself if it was getting out of hand, or if I was dangerously close to snapping at someone or, heavens forbid, breaking out the Rune of Punishment. The rest of the time, I shrugged it off and retreated to quarters to lie on my bed and try to forget.

I did not realize that my closest friends on board had seen it all happening, and whispered their worries about me privately to each other. It wasn’t just the four friends who had known me longest, particularly the two who had been at my side since the first day. Apparently, Sigurd, Ornan, and a few of the others had been talking too, and all of them came to the same conclusion – that somebody had to come to me and find out what was bothering me before I incinerated the ship with the Rune. At least, that was the assumption I had upon first finding out what my friends were plotting. In truth, they didn’t care about the ship or the Rune, they cared about me, the person inside this battered shell, the man they loved. It was a good thing I learned that before it was too late, but I was still afraid to let down my walls and let any of them in. I had been thrice burned by Snowe, and the fire still smoldered, consuming me quicker than the cursed Rune. I didn’t want to be strong and brave anymore, I wanted to curl up on my bed and sob like a child, to lament that I couldn’t have what I wanted and complain to fate that it was making all of this harder than it had to be. I could have withstood the power of the Rune and not worried about what it would do to me if I had someone who loved me, who strengthened me with his love. I wanted that person to be Snowe, but even if I couldn’t have him, I needed someone. Someone who wasn’t afraid of losing me, who knew what he was getting into and still wanted me regardless. I knew that person was not onboard the ship, at least not now.

Apart from flirtations and fondles in secret corners, I stopped offering or accepting nights with random men in the crew. The darker my mood became, the less they wanted even the flirtations. Now and then I would catch a lingering glance from Sigurd, but his dark eyes always told me that he was watching from afar like a guardian, wishing he could heal me but afraid that I was beyond his skills now. I tried to socialize when time afforded it, when we were at sea and there was nothing to do after sunset but traverse the five decks looking for entertainment, but my heart wasn’t in it. I played mahjong with Rita, I liked the game, but she was getting too good at it and I was getting tired of losing potch to her. At last, there came a night when so much was at the breaking point, something had to give. It was hot and the sea was quiet, we were on our way to the Pirate’s Nest the long, hard way and were slowly plowing through the doldrums. I had been in a particularly dark mood and knew it, and forcing myself to go to the saloon and play mahjong did not improve it one bit. I bid Rita goodnight early and trudged upstairs to my quarters, saying nothing to the gaggle of women clustered outside in the hall even though they greeted me and tried to be friendly. So far, I had been able to restrain myself from yelling at them to go do something productive like train or have Adrienne sharpen their weapons, but that day could not have been far off. I closed myself inside my private room and kicked off my boots with enough force to make them thud against the far wall, and threw myself on the bed fully clothed. I wasn’t tired enough to sleep, but there wasn’t anything else for me to do except stare at the ceiling and curse fate for the thousandth time. Then, it happened.

A knock at my door. I ignored it. Then, the clearing of a throat and a voice I had not heard so near to my quarters in a very long time. “Hey, it’s Tal. You awake?”

Tal? I lifted my head slightly. “Come in,” I called back without hesitation. Very few on this ship could expect such a greeting – luckily, Tal was one of them.

The door creaked open to admit my favorite swordbrother, tall and broad and needing to duck to let himself in. He closed the door behind him and gave me a sheepish grin. “Hey,” he said in his usual friendly manner. “You, uh, got a minute?”

I pushed myself up and rubbed my eyes. “Is it captain’s business?” I asked him. “Because if it is, I’m sorry, Tal, but it can wait until morning. I’m not in the mood to handle any more disputes.”

“It’s not captain’s business,” Tal assured me, coming over and pulling out the chair at the table so he could sit facing me. “Actually…I came to look in on you. To see how you were doing.”

The gentleness of his tone made me uncomfortable. I looked away. “I’m fine,” I told him, knowing the moment the words left my mouth that he wouldn’t believe them.

He dropped his masculine frame into the chair and scooted it closer to the bed. “No you’re not,” he challenged. “I’ve known you for too long. Something’s got you really, massively upset.” He clasped his hands in his lap and stared keenly at me, I could feel his eyes on me even though I wasn’t looking at him. “It’s Snowe, isn’t it?”

The name cut through my heart like an arrow. I inched back from him on the bed until my back touched the wall, and curled up against it. “You wouldn’t understand,” I complained at him.

“What, that seeing him again and having him turn his back on you for the third time hurt you?” Tal said bluntly. “Of course I understand.”

I shook my head. “No, you don’t. Tal…Snowe and I were…were lovers,” I made myself say. “In Razril…before…”

To my utter surprise, Tal only shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”

I stared at my friend. He had been at my side since being exiled from Razril, yet I had never told him and Jewel about the true nature of my relationship with Snowe. I didn’t want him to turn his back on me when I needed him the most, and I didn’t know what he would think of such a relationship going on right under his nose, so I kept it from him. To have him act so flippantly about it threw everything out of focus, leaving me sitting there blinking at him. He could see he had surprised me, for he chuckled. “Sorry, I didn’t know that was supposed to be a secret. Uh…Sigurd told me. A while ago.”

I found myself smiling at him, though in exasperation. “You and Sigurd talk a lot, don’t you?”

“He’s a nice guy,” Tal replied. “When you two started to hit it off, he and I had some good talks, mostly about you. He wanted to know as much about you as he could, and of course, I was the best source of information.” As I watched, his face grew serious. “He really cares about you, you know. You haven’t been with him in a while, have you?”

The lingering darkness that had been plaguing me flared up into anger. I frowned at Tal. “It isn’t my fault. Ever since we brought Keen on board, he’s refused to come near me. It’s like he doesn’t want his past to rub off on me, he won’t even trust me to tell me what it is. Besides…” I looked away again, slumping against the wall. “…I care, but I can’t love him. Not with Snowe still in my heart. There is no room for another.”

Tal shook his head slowly. “I’m not going to argue with you on that point. I just thought you should know. Whatever Sigurd’s problem is, why he won’t talk to you, I can’t fix, but I can at least pass on the message that he still thinks of you and wishes he could help you. But ever since we saw Snowe again outside Razril, you’ve been shrinking away from everyone. I may not be the sharpest arrow in the quiver,” he added with his usual lopsided smile, “but I can at least figure out that it has everything to do with Snowe.”

The coldness of my heart began to melt, and against my will, I felt the hot needles of tears behind my eyes. I couldn’t cry, not in front of a swordbrother like Tal! But they pooled in my eyes and thickened my throat as I tried to tell him, “I loved him, Tal. I loved him more than life itself. I want to love like that again, but I don’t know if I can, if it’s anyone but Snowe.”

Tal smiled another of his warm, easygoing smiles. “I wish I had an answer for you, but I’m not any good at these things. I’ve never had anybody like that, so I really don’t have any advice. It just pains me to see you grow worse every day, and not be able to help. We’re friends, aren’t we? Isn’t there anything I can do to ease your mind even just a little?”

“No, I don’t think so,” I said morosely. “This isn’t something that can be just soothed away with a pat on the head.”

Tal got up and came over to sit beside me on the bed. It felt like we were back in Razril, in the training hall, sitting up chatting one night after a long day of sparring or something. He settled down beside me with his back against the wall and clasped his hands in his lap. “Sorry. I just…don’t know what to do. I know there’s a lot you’re going through that I can’t understand, but it feels like I…like I should be able to do something about this, because it’s a common problem. Love troubles. Doesn’t everyone go through them? That’s not so hard to understand.”

I glanced aside at him, finding him grown solemn and rather disappointed. His frank honesty won me over as it always did, softening my will to slump in a corner and be grouchy. “But, have you actually had any love troubles, Tal?” I asked him. 

A sheepish sort of grin lightened his features. “Well, no, not personally. But I’ve always watched them go on around me.” He turned to me with a curious look. “People can be really dumb sometimes, you know? They go on and make a big fuss over something that’s perfectly plain to me, watching from the outside.”

That made me laugh despite myself. “Well, love does make you stupid,” I admitted. “I know that all too well.”

His hand slid over and rested on my knee, not to pat it condescendingly, but to give it an affectionate caress. “I don’t think you were stupid to love Snowe. No matter what mistakes he’s made.”

I let my head fall back against the wall and closed my eyes. The mere mention of that name stirred so many conflicting emotions inside me, making me cold and hot at the same time. “I loved him so much I was blind to so many things,” I lamented, speaking softly even though we were safely alone. “I never saw that he was a coward, or that he was jealous of people paying attention to me. I tried to help him, but he pushed me away. I thought…I still think…that if he would just humble himself and accept me when I hold out a hand to him, I can help him regain what he’s lost. Not because I’m better than him in any way, but because I love him.” I could feel the sting of rising emotions behind my eyes again and turned my head away from Tal. “It’s foolish of me to think that love can help or heal anything, but…”

“No, it’s not,” Tal said heavily. “If there’s one thing I know, from watching people around me, it’s that love…when it’s real, it’s very powerful. Moreso than any rune.” His hand made a small circle on my knee, I could feel the warmth and pressure of it on my bare skin. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I know it’s not doing you any good at the moment, but…don’t give up on it. You need that love. I don’t know of anything else in this world that’ll keep you strong when everything else fails.”

“What good is it if I can’t be near the one I love?” I complained, frowning at him. “Love itself is nothing. There has to be someone to love, or it comes back empty. That’s how I feel right now, Tal,” I added, letting my emotions drive my intensity. I wanted it all to come out, now was the time, and poor Tal would bear the brunt of it. “I don’t feel love, I feel empty inside. I can’t make Snowe come back to me, so all it’s doing is eating away at me, making me hate everything instead. I’m tired of the Rune, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of everything…and it’s only because I hate Kooluk even more and still have nightmares about what we saw on Iluya that I’m not giving up and running away with Sigurd and Kika to be a pirate. Anything to dull the empty ache inside me…” I gritted my teeth and flexed my left hand into a fist. I may have imagined it, but it felt like the Rune got warm like a flame, feeding off my anger. “If I can’t have Snowe here with me, why do I still feel like this? Why can’t I just quit it and move on? I want to be free, to live and maybe even love someone again, but it won’t go away! And then there’s the Rune.” I shook my fist in Tal’s face. “This thing won’t let me do either! It’s slowly feeding off my life, I will die because of it, and anyone who tries to get close to me might be its next host! I can’t do that to someone, I can’t ask them to walk beside me for fear the Rune will rest on them after it’s done with me and burns me to ashes just like…just like Commander Glen…”

Tal placed his hand around my fist and held it, not fighting me, just wrapping a secure comfort around the back of my hand where the cursed Rune sat. His dark eyes held nothing but sympathy. “But we’re still walking beside you,” he said in a very quiet voice. “Me, Jewel, Sigurd, Hervey… Keneth… Reno…all of us care about you and won’t leave your side even though we know any one of us could be the Rune’s next. We don’t care. You’re more important to us than the Rune.”

I couldn’t let him win me over like that, I felt the urge to fight. I clenched my other hand on his shirt and pushed against him. “You’re a fool!” I cried. “You don’t understand what this is really like! Living with it is pure torture, I can’t even kill myself because it will come to rest on the nearest person who happens to be there, and I can’t let myself be defeated in battle for the same reason! It’s forcing me to stay alive but won’t let me having anything but a hollow, barren excuse for a life, a burden to carry on my soul with every step I take. And what if it doesn’t kill me at the end of our journey?” I don’t know how desperate or angry I must have looked, but Tal’s expression facing me did not change. He remained blank and quiet, listening, accepting. “What happens after Kooluk is defeated and the island nations liberated, and I’m still alive? What am I to do then? Everyone will go back to their homes, safe and sound, but what have I got? I am alone, Tal! I am completely alone!”

Tal waited until I had quieted with that same, simple gaze directed at me. Then, he merely blinked. “You’re not alone,” he said. “You’ve got me.”

The fight deflated out of me, leaving me sitting there limp, one hand still clenched on Tal’s shirt. I could only stare at him for a long while. He chanced a faint smile, provoking me to speak. “What do you mean? Tal…”

“Friends like us have got to stick together,” he said, “no matter what.”

I wilted against him, letting go of him and leaning against his shoulder. “Thank you, but I can’t ask you to come with me, if this foolish venture turns out for the best. You should go back to Razril, find a nice girl and settle down. Maybe someone like Jewel,” I added as helpfully as I could. “She’s nice. I think you two get along very well…”

“Nah, we’d fight all the time,” Tal laughed. “She’s not the settling down type, and I’m…well, I like Jewel as a friend, but that’s it.” He grew sober again. “You’re not asking me to come with you, I’m just saying I will. I have nothing, either, except you.”

“You’re wrong,” I told him in a sad, soft voice. “You have much more. You have a clean life, good training, and a good sword. You have Jewel and Paula and Keneth. All of you can go back to Razril, and even if you don’t become knights again, you can help them rebuild. You deserve to be home. But it isn’t my home anymore, and the Rune…” I stared down at my left hand, and felt myself wanting to shrink away from Tal again. I closed my eyes and uttered the dark thought that had been plaguing me for weeks. “I hope it kills me in the last battle, whatever final fight we have to win in order to defeat Kooluk. I hope the culmination of our efforts is that I should give my life for the island peoples through the Rune. And then maybe it’ll land on some Kooluk bastard, maybe even Troy himself, and suck away his life next. See how he likes the burden of judging forgiveness and atonement.”

Tal was quiet for a very long time. Even with my gaze shifted away, I could feel his stare on me. Then, he turned slightly toward me, jostling the bed. “You can’t mean that. You’re just upset…”

He was right, but it was hard for me to admit it at that time. I didn’t really want to die, even though I knew I would sooner than later, but there wasn’t much for me to live for outside of the quest to liberate the island nations. The small part of me that still believed in love and cherished hope that someday I could find someone to walk with me, be it Snowe or Sigurd or someone else, was slowly being swallowed up by the great, aching darkness that was poisoning my soul. I could see it happening, and was powerless to stop it. All that was left to me was to find some kind of meaning in my short life by offering it in battle, to achieve the most noble and honorable of deaths by giving my last to save all those people, from the brave pirates who sailed at our side to the brainless villagers on Na-Nal who slavered after Jeane. In that, perhaps I could find redemption, and a cleansing of the darkness that clouded my mind and took away my last hopes of joy and love. I wanted peace, but not for me. The others would be able to enjoy it after I was gone and took the cursed Rune with me. As these thoughts rose to clarity within me, they dredged up the bitterness and loneliness with them, until it became hard to breathe. I curled up on the bed, drawing my knees to my chest, and tried to hide myself from Tal’s strong, silent presence. He couldn’t possibly understand how I felt. Then, I felt his hand on my shoulder, and it triggered something in my subconscious that I couldn’t control – a sob. The tears followed, hot and thick on my cheeks, and his arms came around my shoulders from behind, pulling me back into him. To my surprise, Tal was hugging me, holding me, wrapping me up in his huge arms and resting his chin on my shoulder. I could hear his soft, steady breath in my ear, and feel the warmth of his broad body encircling me. It was nice, but also painful, evoking too many memories, too many fears. I let him hold me for a minute, and then pushed myself up, trying to break free of his embrace. “No, Tal,” I said in a choked whisper. “Don’t.”

Unfortunately for me, Tal was stronger than me. He refused to let me go. “Come on,” he implored in a soft tone. “I’m not ashamed of you. You need this. Just let it go, get it out of you. I won’t run away, or think less of you.” His arms tightened around my shoulders, and he whispered in my ear. “I’ve got you, don’t worry.”

“Please, Tal, don’t do this,” I begged him, still trying to push away. “You don’t know what you’re doing to me…”

His grip eased only slightly, to allow me comfort and not pain, but he still rubbed my arms with his big, strong hands. “If it’ll help to quiet your heart, and make you feel loved, I’ll do anything for you,” he said.

I shook my head. “No, Tal. I don’t want that. I know you don’t like men, you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything for me. I won’t feel loved, just…” The word spilled bitterly off my lips. “Patronized. There are a dozen men on this ship who want to pleasure me and I pushed them all away because I don’t want to be just pleasured. That isn’t love…that isn’t what I want.”

Tal chuckled lightly in my ear. “And how do you know I don’t like men, huh? Did you ever ask me?”

“You forget,” I reminded him, “we trained together. I remember those evenings in the port when you were trying to impress women by telling them you were going to become a great knight.”

“Well, yeah,” Tal said in good humor, “but…” He sighed and embraced me again, pulling me back before I had the chance to think of escaping. “That doesn’t matter. You and I have been swordbrothers for a long time, maybe I care about you enough to overcome that.”

“Can you?” I surrendered to him with a sigh, collapsing in his arms, but continued to protest as best I knew how. “Can you honestly say to me that if I asked you to make love to me, here and now, you could do it just because we’re swordbrothers?”

“Well…”

“I thought so,” I muttered, when that was the only word he could say. “Your intentions are noble, Tal, but you don’t love me that way. You mean much to me, as my swordbrother, I do care for you – enough not to put you in a situation like that. Please, just go. Leave me alone – don’t do this for my sake. It’s the wrong way.”

He sighed. “Fine, maybe you’re right, I can’t make myself want you like that. But I’m not going to leave you alone.” Tal slid even closer and pulled me completely back into him, hugging me so tightly that it made me begin to weep again. I could feel his breath on my neck. “You don’t want me to go away. I know it. You need someone to hold you and let you cry without judging you or thinking you’re any less of a man for it. Nobody else here knows you like I do. I’m your friend, this is what I’m here for. Come on.” He squeezed, and I found myself agreeing with him, turning enough to fall into his arms and press my face into his brawny shoulder as the tears overwhelmed any sense of composure I might have been clinging to. At last, I could have what I wanted – a chance to forget I was a captain and just cry like a lost little boy in the arms of someone who cared and would not mock my tears or my pain. Even if it was just Tal, a friend and nothing more. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, except that I wept until my head ached and all thought finally dulled to a dim haze in my mind. Tal did as a brother should, took the band from around my head first and then, bit by bit, helped me out of my clothes so I could climb into bed. I was too weak and wasted to mind, though he got me down to just my shorts and then eased me down onto my back in the blankets. I looked up through swollen eyes to his kind face hovering over me, and for a fleeting moment, considered going back on my word and asking him to join me in the bed. But no, he couldn’t do for me what I would have asked him to, so I sniffled back my emotions and just closed my eyes. Tal tugged the blanket up around my waist and brushed his hand along my arm. “Think you can sleep, now? Or should I send Sigurd in here to…um…cast a water rune on you or something?”

“No, Tal,” I sighed. “Thank you for trying, but…not now. I can’t.”

His smile faded by a degree. “Do you want me to stay?”

Oh, if only he could. He stroked my arm as tenderly as any lover, but I knew it meant nothing apart from the care of a swordbrother. I shook my head and then turned onto my side, hiding my face from him. He took it as an end to the conversation and got up, stepping back. I could hear his boots on the floor, heavy and slow, as he paused for a moment and then finally turned to go. When he reached the door, I managed to lift my head and whisper in my raw voice, “Thank you, Tal.” He paused again, but as I didn’t look at him, I don’t know what might have crossed his face or mind in that moment. Then, he let himself out.

  


Tal’s visit did not change my views on love or life, but he had calmed me as only a friend of his strength and honor could. After that, no matter how dark it seemed, I could go about my duty with my head held high, concentrating on what was important and saving the unhappy contemplation for late nights when no one else was around. Even more people were coming on board at that time, after Obel had been liberated and the last few timid holdouts around the island nations saw what we were capable of. To have destroyed the Second Kooluk Fleet so perfectly meant we were more than a match for our enemies, and several of Obel’s finest who had stayed through the occupation jumped at the chance to join us. There were now four ships in my fleet, a sight which made me proud whenever I stood on the deck and looked out at them following us through the waves. Desmond informed me that we had over one hundred additions to the crew, their names on the shiny gold plates of our roster filled me with a strange feeling, like I was playing into some greater fate by collecting them. I watched as the roster continued to grow, until there was only one blank plate left on it. The strange feeling grew whenever I noticed it, as I wondered who would fill that slot, who we could possibly need among the crew. We had everything we could need and want – cooks, a smith, a rune master, doctor, shipwright, bath master, librarian, treasure hunter, tactician, writer, pirates, gamblers, skilled artisans, tailor, armorer, and even a fortune-teller. And then, plenty of warriors skilled in the use of sword, knife, bow, spear, and rune magic. What could we be missing?

While Eleanor shut herself away in her quarters to puzzle over the strange map delivered by Ramada’s bird, I directed the fleet to traverse the southern seas in order to acquire everything we could need to strengthen our forces for an attack on the Kooluk. I sought the best weapons, armor, and the money to upgrade everything from the ships themselves to the warriors who clamored to be part of my landing parties. It was tedious work, but kept my mind off more personal matters for a time. My heart was still raw and cold, meaning I did little more than half-heartedly flirt with some of the beautiful men around the ship, preferring to keep emotional connections closed off and potential mates at an arm’s length. I couldn’t use them now, they couldn’t soothe me any better than a soak in the bath or a nice hot meal cooked by Funghi. The only one to whom I nearly bent was Sigurd, when he approached me by chance one night and we talked. He was pleased to see me feeling at least somewhat better, if not fully healed of my conflicts. We enfolded ourselves into each other’s arms in a dark corner of the fourth deck and kissed, but I broke it off before I could surrender and ask him to come with me to my quarters. My thoughts on the Rune and its curse on my life had not changed, and I wanted to spare anyone on the ship the burden of having to deal with becoming a potential target once it finished my life and sought a new one. Though I needed and cared for my friends the most, including Sigurd, they were the ones I needed to be prepared to push away so they wouldn’t become the Rune’s next carrier. It was still obvious that I was alone, and could turn to no one when the burden grew too great, but I had come to accept it as my lot in life and carried on without sinking into dark despair. The taste of Sigurd’s lips was enough to lighten my step for a day or two, anyway.

The course of our trading ventures took us to Mordo Island once more, and I turned the crew loose for some tropical shore leave to enjoy the hot springs and the beach before we had to cast off again. With Obel just across the straits, King Reno was muttering things about going back to check up on his kingdom and make sure the Kooluk hadn’t foolishly returned. I was not opposed to visiting again, even if the information I had gotten from the lonely men on Mordo indicated that it would be a good time to head for Middleport and do some trading. But then, the merchant spoke to me what would become fateful words: that he saw someone shipwrecked, floating on a log in the ocean. Never one to turn down the chance to rescue some poor, lost soul with no one else to rely on, I chose to set sail in that direction, instructing Nico to keep an eye out for anything unusual floating on the waves. Nothing in my time as captain prepared me for what we found. I didn’t even recognize him until Hervey and Tal hauled him on board and he was able to stand on his own two feet. My heart froze within my chest as I beheld the worn, tattered, bruised figure that once was my lover, my best friend, my Snowe. Every trace of pride had been ripped out of him, leaving him quiet, resigned, and contrite. I had never seen him so calm, perhaps having come to the brink of death and accepted that miracles would not happen and the seas would finally claim him. He didn’t rail against me, or put on a proud face, he simply bowed his head and spoke softly of knowing that he was powerless and was at my mercy. My friends from Razril surrounded me, stared at me, wondered what I would do, but there was no doubt in my mind. They might have feared that I had finally turned my heart to stone in order to forget him, and would put him out of his misery, but there was only one recourse. As much as I wanted to leap for joy at having found Snowe again, there was a significant chance that he would reject my offer again, so I buried my hopes and asked him simply if he would join me. Light broke through the darkness at last when I heard him say yes.

He stepped toward me, and Keneth moved in protectively, as if to keep Snowe from coming too close to me just yet. Whether he was protecting me or Snowe, I don’t know, but he didn’t need to. I wanted nothing more than to clasp Snowe to me and promise him everything I failed to give him the first time, safety and comfort and the pleasure of my company. My well-meaning friends stood in the way, though, so I hid behind the mantle of authority and did only as a captain could. With my eyes still locked on Snowe’s melancholy face, I heard myself flatly order, “Take him below and have Taisuke prepare the hottest bath for him, and then make sure he gets more than his fill to eat. After that, get him some clean clothes and new boots, and send him to my quarters.” I narrowed my eyes in a sort of captainly glare. “We have some unfinished business to discuss, if I am to let him onboard my ship.”

“Yeah,” Tal agreed with me, stepping forward to obey my orders. “I’ll see to it, don’t worry.”

“I don’t need new clothes,” Snowe said meekly, lowering his head. “Thank you, but…I’m not fit for anything finer than what’s on my back. They may be rags, but they’re all I deserve.”

“Snowe,” Jewel sighed in complaint.

“Please.” Snowe mustered a faint shadow of the smile I used to know. “Humor me, would you?”

“As you wish.” I had to turn my back on him or I would have leaped on him in front of the entire crew – and right now, for authority’s sake, Kika and Hervey and the other pirates slouching about the main deck didn’t need to see me embracing my former lover like that. From over my shoulder, I added, “We have every possible amenity aboard this ship. Anything you need, Tal and Keneth can make sure you get it. Have a bath first, and some food, and if need be, we have a doctor onboard who can see to any injuries you might have.” Without waiting for a reply, I strode across the deck to the bridge, let myself in, and stoically climbed down to my room on the first deck. Then, and only then, closed away in my private sanctuary, did I begin to tremble and sob and bite back tears. My poor Snowe, how cruel had life been to him? How could anyone turn their back on him? I leaned against the closed door with my head tilted back, shaking, for a long time. All I could do now was wait, and hope that when he came to speak with me as ordered, Snowe would be receptive to talk. I just wanted him to look me in the eye, and tell me truthfully whether the rift between us could heal. I would not be able to go on with my life, my journey, my duty, or even this day without knowing for sure.

I was laying on my bed staring at the wooden ceiling above me when I heard the hesitant rap on the door. I pushed myself to my feet and stepped to one side of the table to make myself presentable before saying, “Enter.” As expected, Snowe slunk in quietly, looking freshly-washed and scrubbed and much better than he had when we picked him up. He was still wearing the same peasant rags he had been found in, but it looked to me like Pam or Ema or one of the other motherly types had gotten a hold of them while Snowe was in the bath and gave them a washing as well. The dirt and salt-crust had been removed, but he still looked scruffy and poor in that outfit. A few hours’ rest, some good food, and a visit to Yu’s ward below-decks had restored him, putting a softness back in his lips and the blush of health in his formerly sunburned cheeks, but there was still something in his eyes that unsettled me. Snowe closed the door behind him, leaving us alone together at last, after so long, but I could not make myself rush to hold him as I had wanted so desperately earlier in the day. I set my hand on the back of the nearest chair, but thought better of it. I nervously moistened my lips to speak, though what I finally said was utterly trite. “You came…”

Snowe’s eyes flicked up to find my face briefly. “You wanted to see me,” he pointed out.

“Snowe…” Everything else died on my lips.

He looked around my quarters, and thankfully did not frown or pout. “This is really nice,” he murmured. “You’ve really made something of yourself.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” I said lamely. “This is just what…what was given to me.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed of your success.” I looked up to find a faint smile growing in his eyes. Snowe took another step further into the room, glancing around once more. “You got here all by yourself, nobody gave you anything you didn’t deserve. Is that…?” He noticed the pot from Razril on the far console, and his eyes began to water.

“I picked it up along the way,” I said quietly.

Snowe bit his lip, and after a long moment, bowed his head. “Thank you for taking me on board,” he said in a low, sullen tone. “I owe you my life. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make up for what I did to you, but…perhaps the fact that you didn’t kill me when you had the chance should be reward enough for me.” He shook his head. “I just don’t understand…why…”

I swallowed the thickness in my throat and stepped toward him. “Is it so hard for you to understand that I still love you?” I cried without thinking. “That I never stopped loving you?”

His eyes went wide, and he stepped back in surprise. “Wh-what?”

I took a deep breath in order to quiet my voice and approach this a little more calmly. “I tried to forget you,” I admitted with a shake of my head, “I moved on with my life and thought I could live without you, but…I can’t. You don’t know how hard it was to see you, to know you were alive and we were more far apart than ever.” I closed my eyes, aware that he was staring at me. “You meant everything to me, Snowe, as a friend and swordbrother as well as a lover. Your betrayal shattered me…but I couldn’t make myself hate you. I loved you, I still do. But if you don’t wish to heal the division and come back to me, either as a friend or as anything else…I must know, now.”

Snowe remained silent for a long time, and I was too afraid to lift my head and look to see his expression, in the chance it was too sad or angry to bear. At last, I heard him heave a sigh and glanced to find him also staring at the floor instead of me. “How could you?” he murmured sadly. “I ruined your life. I accused you of murder and had you banished. You should have killed me the first time you captured me, but…” He looked up, and met my eyes timidly. “You didn’t. You didn’t kill me, you let me go – twice. You could have executed me today for the crimes I’ve committed against you, but you brought me in and…and…” Snowe was ever the sensitive young man, I always knew that, so it was no surprise that the realization of what was happening dissolved him to tears. “Why?” he whimpered. “How can you forgive me?”

I glanced down at my left hand, and then slowly, subtly, removed my glove and held my hand out. “Do you know what this is?” I said softly.

His eyes went to it and widened again, though not as much. He had seen it, heard of it, surely, but never so close. “The Rune,” he replied in a low tone.

I also gazed down at the spiral form permanently etched into the back of my hand. “It’s called the Rune of Punishment. I’ve been told, by the wise, that its true purpose is to govern forgiveness and atonement.” I hastily covered it again and raised my head so I could give Snowe an honest look. He met my gaze and did not shrink away. “So, I guess you could say, when I decide to forgive someone, it means something. What I forgive is truly forgiven.”

I could practically see Snowe trembling before me. “Even me?” he asked in a very small voice.

The time for gentle caution was past, and my long-held patience evaporated. I strode forward to meet him, and without giving him a chance to escape or look away, placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him – hard. He recoiled only briefly, perhaps startled, and then I heard him moan softly in his throat as he melted into me, returning my kiss with as much fervor. His hands came to rest on my waist, I could feel their warmth through my thin shirt. I kissed him with abandon, blindly thrilled to have him in my arms again, and taste his lips which I had missed for so long. I chose to end it first, leaving Snowe gasping, and held his gaze as I cupped my hand against his cheek. “I don’t need to hear explanations, or excuses, or anything about what happened,” I told him. “All that matters is, I forgive you, and I don’t intend to push you away or be cold to you in retaliation. You’ve more than paid your penance, judging by how we found you. What you need now is friends to rely on and the chance to heal and restore yourself to the man you once were.”

Snowe managed a faint smile. “I don’t want to be him anymore,” he murmured. “I want to be someone worthy of standing at your side. You’ve come so far. It’s time I stopped being a child and grew up and took responsibility for my actions.” His expression sobered, then. “I just need to know one thing. Did you…? No…what happened on the tower? Can you tell me…the truth?”

I took his hands and faced him squarely. “I didn’t kill Commander Glen,” I stated with no hesitation. “It was the Rune. I know more about it now, I know what happens to those who are near it. Pirate Brandeau had it, but when he died, the Rune came to rest on the commander. That red light we all saw in the sky…it was the Rune. He used it to save Razril at the cost of his life. You and I both saw it, we both ran up there to check on him, and found the same thing – Commander Glen at the end of his life and the Rune choosing a new host. But even though you were closer…it came to rest on me.” Looking into his eyes, I could see the emotions that must have been running through his mind – fear, grief, shock, uncertainty. All I could do was nod my head sadly. “It could have been you, but it chose me. So now I face the same fate as Commander Glen.”

Snowe blinked. “Wait, what do you mean? The same fate?”

“The Rune drains the life of its host,” I explained. “Using it killed Glen – and it will kill me, too, someday.”

Snowe’s eyes watered with alarm. It was good to see him so concerned about me, I had missed that, too. “No!” he cried. “That can’t be! I don’t want to lose you…I just found you again!” His hands in mine gripped tightly. “How? When? Do you…is there any way to know?”

I shook my head, feeling despair creeping back over me with the reminder of my fate. “No one knows. I could live with it for years, or I could die the very next time I’m forced to use it. Every day that I still wake up alive is another day borrowed against that inevitability.”

The old Snowe would have backed away in horror, but I was surprised and comforted to find him stepping closer, placing a hand on my cheek. Suddenly I was transported back to our training days in Razril, and the moments when he would do the same thing to console or cheer me after a hard day or a sad thought. His voice dropped to a whisper. “Does it hurt you?”

“A little,” I admitted. “When I have to use it. Sometimes, it is the only thing I can do. I don’t want to use it, but I have to. It’s that, or let innocent people die and be enslaved to conquerors.”

Snowe stepped even closer, and laid his head on my shoulder. “I don’t want you to die,” he murmured worriedly. “But I’m not going to run away from you. You need somebody to walk with you on this journey, and pick you up when you can’t walk anymore.”

I slipped my arms around his waist and cradled him close. It was hard to tell which of us was comforting the other anymore. “I can’t ask any of my friends to sacrifice themselves for me,” I murmured back. “The Rune spared you once, I don’t want you to have to deal with it again.”

“But I want to.” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me to him. “You saved me, after what I did to you. Being at your side to the bitter end is the least I can do to show you how grateful I am.”

I rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes, breathing deeply of the clean scent of his hair. “Then I won’t push you away,” I said softly. “Truth be told, I had always dreamed that we could be together again, and you would help me through this darkness. I never expected it to come true.”

Snowe’s arms tightened briefly. There was a quaver in his voice as he spoke in my ear. “I’m not going to be a coward this time. I’ll face fate bravely with you, and show that I’m not afraid of you.” He lifted his head, and I glanced to find tears staining his fair cheeks. “You shouldn’t have to die alone with the Rune. I’ll stay with you. Even if the rest of the crew flees so the Rune won’t land on them next, I’ll be there, I’ll hold you.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that.” I tenderly kissed his tears away, finding myself smiling. Snowe certainly had changed a lot – for the better. “There are far more crucial things at stake, like not getting ourselves run through by Kooluk swords or eaten by a Leviathan along the way.”

“I’m so sorry.” Snowe hugged me fiercely again and murmured into my neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, I’m sorry I was ever jealous of you, I’m sorry I ruined your life and broke your heart and everything else in between.”

I had already forgiven him, so there was no need to repeat the words. I knew he just had to say it for himself. I embraced him and kissed his neck and happily felt his body heave with a long sigh as he settled into my arms. I stroked my hands soothingly along his back, feeling the rough, homespun texture of his peasant rags against my callused fingertips. “So, does this mean,” I chanced, “you’re open to the same relationship we had before?”

Snowe straightened up and stood back from me, enough for us to look into each other’s eyes. “I don’t know that we can just pretend that nothing happened,” he said worriedly. “Even if you’re willing to take me back, and I admit that I still love you, also.”

That made me smile even more. “You…do?”

An adorable blush rose in his cheeks. “Well…yeah. I…may have been afraid of you, and I was angry with you, but…I still longed for you. My pride and stubbornness got in the way, I blamed you for my own faults but you were innocent. And that was what I still loved.” His eyes darkened with another bout of seriousness. “It’s taken me a long time and a lot of hard lessons to learn where I was wrong. I have to start over from the beginning, now. At least…it eases my mind greatly to find that I don’t have to win you over again, that you love me and are willing to have me.”

“I may be a fool to do so, but yes,” I said. “I’ll gladly be the fool, then. It isn’t that we can pretend nothing happened,” I added with a shake of my head. “Just that…what happened is in the past, and we have put it behind us. There’s no reason to dwell on it, it’s over and has no bearing on our present or our future.”

Snowe smiled for the first time. “I think I can agree to that.”

I did not welcome him into my bed that first night, as much as a great part of me wanted to. It felt so easy to speak words of reconciliation, but there was more to healing than that, and it would take time to fully regain what Snowe and I had shared before. In some sense, it was like falling in love for the first time, instead of rebuilding what once was. Rather than ignore or forget the rift that had come between us for so long, we chose to ignore our first fumbling relationship and continue onward as true friends and companions. We spent the rest of that night sitting at the table in my quarters talking, I only rose long enough to go to the door and call to Cedric across the hall, to ask him to run down to the galley and bring up something for my guest and I to drink. After that, we closed ourselves away and talked long into the night, sharing everything, holding nothing back. I told Snowe all about Obel and the ship and the things I saw on Iluya to cement my desire to stand against the Kooluk, and he told me all about the things he did to try to save Razril, his failures, his attempts to survive and muddle through life. I could see just by gazing into his eyes, and hear in his voice, that he had been through much and spent most of the time since our last meeting thinking and reevaluating his life. But only that day, as he felt death lurking near and lost the will to flee from it, did he speak to himself words of regret and atonement – only that morning when the sun rose over the rim of the ocean did he find himself sadly wishing that he could see my face once more before he died. “It took being shipwrecked and left to die slowly from thirst or drowning for me to realize that I still loved you,” he softly confessed over a cup of hot tea, “that I had failed you in so many ways and all I wanted was to see you one last time and tell you that I was sorry.” He chuckled ruefully. “And now look at me. I’m alive, onboard your ship, in your room, face to face with you…” His eyes shifted toward me. “…with the taste of your lips still on mine. I don’t understand fate at all, but I’m so grateful that it allowed me a second chance.”

“It’s more like a fourth chance,” I teased him. “You could have been with me months ago, after you were chased away from Razril.”

Snowe shook his head solemnly. “No. I wasn’t ready, then. I really needed this time to suffer, to get my head on straight and come to you willingly rather than as my only choice besides death. I could have asked you to leave me or cast me back into the sea, today, but I didn’t…because…I’m ready, now. I want to be the man you always looked up to, back in Razril.” His hand drifted across the table and came to rest on top of mine. “I want to be the man you thought I could be, rather than the one I thought I was.”

I enfolded his hand in mine and caressed the backs of his fingers. “You have that chance, now. But I won’t give you special treatment on account of anything. I need to treat you like any member of the crew.”

“Oh, I know,” Snowe assured, “I expect nothing less from you. I don’t deserve to be given anything by you, I want to earn it, rightfully. My sword is a bit dull and I’ve lost any armor I had, but I can still fight.”

“Fortunately, we can take care of all of that,” I said, smiling at him. He was so cute when he was clueless. “We have the finest smith onboard, and potch is no object. My main priority right now is making sure everyone is in peak fighting condition. Soon, it will be time to face the Kooluk directly,” I added more seriously, gazing directly at my companion. “Every last fighter has to be ready for it. Now that you’re a part of my crew, that means you, too.”

Snowe smiled back – it was the same adoring smile I know I used to wear when I looked at him. “I will put everything I have into it. I’ll make you proud.”

“I know you will.” I reached out to touch his face, then, brushing my fingers over his cheek. We were sitting at corners of the table, close enough to lean in and kiss if we wanted, and so we did – for I wanted. I wanted it very much. We talked some more after that, and then kissed some more, and in the end, Snowe departed for his new quarters with Tal and Keneth to get some much-needed sleep with a new smile on his lips. He left me with a new hope in my heart, as well. My fate had not changed, I still faced the curse of the Rune, but somehow, I no longer felt the weight of it on my heart.

  


So little time has passed since that day. I stand now on the deck of my ship and gaze into the sunset, my mind filled with the conflict of emotions brought on by our proximity to a life-or-death battle. The plans have been made, the teams have been formed, and we are on our way to bring the war with the Kooluk to its bitter end. As the captain, I don’t have the luxury of worrying, yet I still do. I am excited, nervous, all those things, positive and negative, but I have had to bury it all under a mask of calm determination for the sake of the crew at my command. My friends know, I’m certain of it. They have known me far too long to know when my quietness is natural or forced. One knows more than anyone else. Snowe has been my sole confidant, the one to whom I tell everything, even those worries and fears and dark, dubious considerations that I couldn’t tell Tal and Keneth, Jewel, Sigurd, Kika, Reno, or anyone else I trust and care about. No matter what happened during the day, he has come to see me at night wherever I was, among the crew or alone on deck like I am tonight, and we would talk. I never had to guard anything from him, even the most ominous of thoughts, he took everything in stride with the strength of the new man he has become. It has been a singular joy to have him near me again, even for this short space of time. I don’t know how much longer it will last, though my heart is heavy with some unnamed fear that it will not be long at all.

In those intervening days while we prepared for this move, the motley crew aboard my ship coalesced into the most coherent fighting force the Islands were going to ever muster. There were still a few rough spots, some who did not work well with others, but some who had once been strangers learned to match strength and skill and form partnerships with each other. Personal lives below decks were also growing and changing, as much as mine was. Snowe worked his way into the crew the hard way, taking whatever was thrown at him and never complaining. I was disturbed to hear, one evening, that there had been a confrontation between him and Sigurd behind my back, but when I questioned him about it later, he only smiled and said that it wasn’t what people were saying, that my one-time lover was merely making sure that Snowe had my best interests at heart. He told me that they had actually gone off, had a drink together, and talked for a long time about me. I didn’t know what to think about that, but Sigurd no longer looked at me with the pity and longing reserved for a wounded animal that refused treatment. His dark eyes smiled again, and when we crossed paths or stood shoulder-to-shoulder in battle, he did not shrink away from me. I took it as a good sign that he approved of Snowe. Once again, I did not publicize my relationship around the crew, but people tended to somehow know and politely keep it to themselves. The only sour point in all that time was Millay. She and the other women seemed to never leave their posts outside my quarters, but now, every time I passed she gave me such a mournful look that I wanted to slink away and hide. It was then that I became aware of the power of ship’s gossip, for I needed to turn to it to find out that she had a crush on me the entire time she had been on board. I took comfort from Deborah, who was becoming like an aunt to me, willing to advise me but always with a spark of mischief behind her wise face. She assured me I wasn’t to blame, these things happened all the time – and then teased me about being more discreet about choosing the places where Snowe and I might steal kisses. Apparently, some places were not as private as I would have hoped. In the end, I was able to laugh it off, thankful for moments of ridiculous frivolity like that. Everything was becoming so tense, while Elenor and Reno plotted our attack, that I took any chance for laughter, whether with pirates in the saloon, with Rita over mahjong, or with Snowe in the darkness of my room, the taste of him in my mouth and the softness of his skin beneath my hands. If only those nights could last forever.

As I stood at the rail watching the sunset cast blood upon the water, watching it rippling into the dark depths as the ship plowed its way northward, I heard boots on the deck behind me. With everything going on, it could have been anyone from the crew coming to ask me something, so I turned to look before they could surprise me. It was Snowe, a sight which brought a faint smile to my lips. He tried to smile back, but I could see the worry in his eyes. “Hey,” he greeted me. “Thought I would find you up here.”

He came to stand beside me, resting his elbows on the rail and gazing out at the reddened horizon. I gazed at him instead, finding him even more beautiful with the blush of sunset on his lips and in his snowy hair. “You were looking for me?” I asked him casually, trying to tease more out of him.

Snowe lowered his eyes to his hands clasped together hanging over the rail. “I went all over the ship, you’ve been to see just about everyone but I seem to have been a step behind you. From the cannon room on the lowest deck all the way up to the top.”

“I’m not the only one,” I said with a sigh. True, I had spoken to every last person on board today – everyone except Snowe. He was here at last, with me. “A lot of people have been going around, either pretending they still have things to do to get ready, or grabbing the ones they’ve been afraid to approach all along and dragging them into the nearest empty room.” I looked away from him, and felt my face grow hot as I admitted, “I had to fend off more than one affectionate embrace.” 

Snowe chuckled softly. “I don’t mind. You know some of these people better than I do. You…you had to go to them, when I wasn’t in the picture.” He glanced over his shoulder to me. “It’s all right. I have no right to get jealous. Not now. It doesn’t really seem to matter.”

“Because you’re with me, now.” I turned and leaned my back against the railing, turning my attention away from sunset and toward the glittering stars in the east. “I love you, Snowe, and that is all that matters. Not what happened before, or what is to come. There is nothing but here and now.”

He straightened up from the rail and shifted toward me, I could sense his closeness even without looking directly at him. “But…what is to come is very important. The battle…”

“No.” I cut him off there and turned to face him, to look into his eyes. He wore a perplexed, questioning look, his gentle lips parted just-so. I placed my hands on his shoulders. “I don’t want to talk about the battle, or Kooluk or anything relating to it. I don’t want to dredge any of that up now. I’ve had too much of it, any more will just depress me and send me to curl up alone in my room all over again. I don’t want that right now.” I stepped closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder, sinking willfully into his warmth. “I just want you. No sweet but empty words, no promises we can’t keep…only you. Your heart and mine, together.”

Snowe’s arms came around me, and my heart thrilled to feel them catch me up and squeeze me tightly. “I love you, too,” he whispered into my ear. “If that’s what you want…okay. You know there’s so much I want to say…”

“You don’t need to. I know.” I lifted my head to face him again, and smiled gratefully at the yearning in his eyes. “If you must pour out your heart and tell me all of it, do it tomorrow. Do it when we come into view of the Kooluk mainland, just come up beside me and lean in close and whisper all of it to me right there in the middle of everyone. I will need it to strengthen me. Right now I only want to stop time and spend all of it with you.” He looked so worried, so eager, so in need of a kiss, so I bent my head and kissed his lips, tasting the salt of the sea air on them. “Will you come with me, Snowe?” I breathed across his cheek, making him gasp. “Will you join me in my quarters, in my bed, and stay with me all night? Hold me until the dawn comes and whisper to me all those promises I used to make to you in Razril?”

“Anything,” he breathed in return, in a desperate moan. He held me tightly to him, there on the deck, high above anyone who might be likewise out for some air or watching the skies darken, not caring who saw us. I had not asked him, so formally, to be with me in a long time; most of our nights together since he returned to me came about through silent signs of us both wanting it. Asking him, now, felt right. And it made him blush earnestly, which I always liked. After a long, lingering embrace, I slid my hands down his arms, over his black leather bracers, to his hands, clasping them in mine and using them to tow him along with me, to the nearest door that would get us to my quarters by the quickest route. Smiling, Snowe came along willingly, speaking no more that night about what we feared was coming. He didn’t need to – I knew that, too. I could not make him any promises, so I gave him the best alternative – my body and heart. A bond which could carry us through any hardship, and defy the darkness looming on the northern horizon.

I no longer wish to die, but I know that it is my fate. It won’t be long now, we’ll be coming into enemy waters and facing the end of it all – the end of Kooluk or the end of the Island Nations, one or the other. It all depends on me, no matter how much I wish it didn’t. I know there are greater powers out there watching over us, and over me in particular, waiting to see what I do with the Rune of Punishment. I can but pray that those powers find me worthy of an honorable, yet peaceful, death. I have not prayed for them to spare me, for I know how pointless that would be. I only ask that they watch over my companions, my shipmates, half of whom cannot fight and would likely be cut down if they chose to pick up a weapon and rush bravely at invading soldiers. I want them all to go back to their homes, return to their lives, perhaps not the same as they were when they came aboard our ship, but hopefully not worse for the journey. There are kings who must return to rule their people, and children who must return to their mothers. Pirates who make life miserable for greedy thugs like Cray, and friends who need each other to rebuild what our enemies have tried to destroy. I hope they do. I will close my eyes and lift a prayer to the Sword and the Shield to guide them home.


End file.
